DISCLAIMER: WE apologize for spelling mistakes or general shorthandedness. We spent money on eventz but have very little cash otherwise:, we could buy laptops for our pathetic writers by donation through: http://patreon.com/DEEPHELL. Part of this article was written on a cellphone and corrected later. 

You can’t call them comic cons anymore because of those yuppies in San Diego, but we can definitely agree that the Comic Convention held in Phoenix, Arizona was a fest-ering good time!
Like every good example of bringing people who’s entire definition of personhood is only attached to how much pop culture they recognize, we spent at least part of our rent on memorabilia.

Boy do I wish that was more of a joke – though I have yet to walk away from one of these things wielding either a Keyblade or Lightsaber. Consider myself lucky I do not routinely spend ninety American dollars on anime figurines or wall scrolls. I don’t wanna be that guy but you can!

Comic Conventions aren’t just places where you go and pay actors to take photos with them because they haven’t had work in awhile. They’re also experiences that can hardly be shared through the art of telling you exactly what was seen or was not seen. Maybe we wont share though. Maybe we’ll review every interaction we deemed worthy at Phoenix Comic Fest.

HAVE SEX (THE ZINE)
Have Sex The Zine was only available at Phoenix Comic Fest, and if you didn’t get one we’re not sorry. You can follow the disclaimer below to maybe subscribe to Patreon in the future and get one though. All proceeds go to the original artist and also to get me more anime figures, something we both want. It was a solid 10/10 because we made it.

DOUBLE DRAGON II ON A CRT
Look, It’s fair to say that they get bonus points for having DOUBLE DRAGON II at all at this booth. There’s nothing better than trying to play an old videogame in a crowded convention hall. Maybe that is a lie. Double Dragon II In A Crowded Convention Hall was a solid 5/10 because nobody wanted to co-op.

SPENCER & LOCKE 
Spencer & Locke is a comic that I bought from the incredibly nice people at Action Lab Comics. The highest praise I can give this comic is that it made me laugh about an act of cruel violence perpetrated by a stuffed panther. Also: there is a genuine moment that calls back to Calvin & Hobbes that will make you go “Whoah!”. If a comic makes you laugh and then makes you go “Whoah!” it has hit the two most primordial emotions possible. 10/10

The Playstation Experience

Sony had a giant truck parked in the convention center filled with The Hottest Games. I played all of The Hottest Games on offer, all of which I’ve actually played at home.
At some point during the weekend the hall erupted into chaos. Drinks getting tipped over, Spider-Men losing their minds. Sony was doing a Product Toss. An ancient skate-competition ritual where people in uniforms throw free advertising at people who lose their goddamned minds. It was definitely a 5/10 experience because no one was seriously injured.

This Specific Rack of Comics I Couldn’t Look AtI was forbidden from looking at either of these comics every time I went by the booth. To somebody keeping Super Mario Bros The Comic Book as virgin as possible is important. It wasn’t important at all to me, which means that this experience was awful. 1/10

This Rack of Comics That Was Very Favorably Priced
The very first year I went to a comic convention I learned an important rule. The rule is: never go to a comic convention to buy comics. The event itself was a four day convention festival.
Every single time I approached this rack of comics I was beset by a flavortown-sized man who refused to move to let me look at comics. He spent the entire weekend there, I can only assume. Maybe he never moved, and maybe he was actually part of the booth experience. After all of us is gone and the lights are off: maybe he is still flipping through these boxes one issue at a time. Grunting alone in the dark. 1/10

A Fridge Full of Parfaits

Saturday night at Phoenix Comic Fest is usually the busiest. This year, there was a fire-alarm error that resulted in a full evacuation. Rather than milling around outside and praying for more Anime Panels, we decided to leave early. We decided to go to as many different hotel parties as we could. In the middle of “getting wasted” with a model (we’ve got rich friends!) we decided to head back a hotel or two.
We didn’t do this because of freedom.
We did this because a woman told us they had too many parfaits. 
8/10

Casey Jones Boys

I never talk to cosplayers or look them in the eye, but with these boys I had two. They were combined, The Casey Jones’ and we all talked about how bad it was that Michael Bay made Casey Jones a Cop.
I don’t want to live in a universe where The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles trust a cop, and neither should you
(they are @cynickid and @erik_the.rad) They were both very highly rated. 10/10!

That’s the last thing, but probably not all of it. Maybe there’s more and we have to keep some of our hot content on the Down Low for later. If you keep your eyes peeled, you may just figure out what’s next.
our closing statement: we hate to use anyone’s flesh and blood body for marketing, but we’re using our friend @jimhannasucks2004 who is a great artist to prove that these exist, and you can give us money through Patreon to get one one day.