The days after Christmas, December 25, aren’t really a part of the year, and they aren’t really a part of next year, either. Maybe they’re the days just there at the end of the calendar to ride out holiday hangovers. Maybe, they’re the space for sitting in bed too afraid to go outside. Wishing you’d done things differently so far, hoping you can do them differently next year.

I don’t have time for any of that! I run a website: it’s the website you’re reading right now. Every day, I get out of bed and send the guy who writes everything else here an email. It’s got a lot of a capital letters, not all of them at the beginning of words. Filled with a lot of threats, too. That’s my job, because I’m the boss. You wont find pictures of me with too much money, but you might find pictures of me choking our lead writer out with his own stupid tie.

If you wear a tie: you should probably get choked out by it! At least once. Just so you know it can happen. Maybe it’ll make you a little bit horny, too.

That space after Christmas is also when most of us games writers are getting busy trying to figure out exactly how we want to represent ourselves via the time-honored tradition of Best of Game lists. Do we want to go with the critical-consensus and say God of War was our favorite Bad Dad simulator. Do we go a little off the rails and say it was Yakuza 6? Maybe there’s an applicable indie game that we really liked earlier in the year and you know it has to be number 1. I didn’t play a single videogame in 2018, so that makes me the person who’s got the best take on what everyone’s Best Game says about them.

RED DEAD REDEMPTION 2 

If your favorite game of 2018 was about Cowboys and the Not So Ol’ West, it says a lot about you. Have you been outside recently? It’s mostly terrible: the air is way too cold, and actually clambering up on a horse after a full sprint is an exhausting affair that will get you killed. You probably also see yourself as part of a larger family unit or community that’s just trying to get by in the world. Your numerous fuck-ups are probably what’s dooming that family unit in the first place, if it should even really be around. You will probably steal someone’s hat this year and get away with it.

INSOMNIAC’S SPIDER-MAN

Don’t let anyone tell you it’s time to put down the comics, because if you picked this as your Game of The Year, you’re still all about whatever marketing Marvel and DC is pushing on you. You get points because that kid playing Spidey is a real cutie, but someone you love had to die this year because you couldn’t be in two places at once. You’re having a serious identity crisis, too, and can’t keep dressing up in different outfits from pasts that never-were and futures that never will-be.

GOD OF WAR

You’ve probably got a fucked up relationship with your dad. There’s good news: if you’re a white guy with a lot of money, you can write a book about it. Nobody is still gonna give a shit, but you can at least go on a long press-tour where you talk about healing. You also played a lot of God Hand. If you had a bad relationship with your dad and your dad is God Hand there’s nothing you can do but finally sit down and try and beat every level without getting hit on the highest difficulty. If you are a dad, you need to reconsider your relationship with your child and maybe not teach them how to murder people with a bow and arrow.

MONSTER HUNTER WORLD

You’re the type of person who’s just got so much time: you don’t know how to spend it and I wont tell you a better way. You’ve got many distant relatives and people that want to be you, most of them highschoolers with large collections of swords, but nobody really comes close. Tons of people want to spend time with you, but the initial experience is too daunting for them even when you do your best to seem approachable.
Somewhere is a dating profile and your favorite activities are all hiking and outdoors related. You also probably call yourself “down to earth” and flinch whenever your friends make fun of that phrase.

CELESTE

There’s a journey you need to take but you’re not sure if you’re strong enough to do it. The people that are on that journey with you might not always be around when you need them most, but you’ve got to persevere anyway. The whole time you’re pushing yourself you’ll be wondering: is doing this selfish? You might even worry your loved ones constantly, tell yourself you’re doing it for them.
Like the person who liked Monster Hunter World you also enjoy outdoor activities, but you’re into it for the thrill of the challenge and not to enjoy nature.

INTO THE BREACH

Don’t let anyone tell you that failure isn’t an essential part of life, if they do they’re trying to sell you something. Even though that’s something you hold evident to be true, though, you’ll continue to do things you’ve failed at over and over again hoping they might turn out differently. What you don’t know is how limited we all are just by being ourselves. If you’re able to change who you are entirely there may be some success, if not maybe people will recognize you just for the struggles you’ve been through.

ASSASSIN’S CREED ODYSSEY

You may have hurt a lot of people with excessive behavior in the past. You stayed quiet for a long time and did something recently to earn the trust of a few spurned people back, and you’ve just recently proved you’ve really changed for the better. Some of it seems like it might not be genuine: you’re trying to be like someone from a long time ago and wearing it on your sleeve a little too much despite how completely different you are. We can all give you points for proving that you’re a lot more inclusive than you have been in the past, though.

FORTNITE

No one really knows how to break it to you because the precedent is so unfounded, but you didn’t peak in high-school, you peaked in middle-school. The only other explanation is that you’re still literally thirteen, in which case I need to put up a splash page warning you that this website is for adults.

Happy New Year, from Deep-Hell dot com.