I never expected when we started Deep Hell almost five or six years ago that we’d be sitting here opening emails at one am – emails opened under hazy bar lights with drinks in hand while *we’re* trying to escape feeling anything, emails that end with “please help it survive.” the email in question is from the people running the Queer Games Bundle. that hits like a punch through the gut. we’ve got the chance to decide how the story is told as a news writer – christ, fuck, do news writers even exist anymore?

It’s June 1st. I didn’t know I had any connection to Pride Month when I started deep-hell. In fact, fuck, I thought exactly the opposite: everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve done means there’s not community out there we deserve or need to be accepted by. Maybe, maybe, maybe I still think that. I know that if you throw 60$ in the direction of the bundle itself you’ll be supporting artists who know who they are. who spend every day of their lives trying to see some kind of light at the end of the tunnel for who they are.

sometimes when i’m embarrassed about the ways i’ve learned a feminine experience, any kind of painting on the blank-color template of the person i wish I could be I write as Violet Redfield a tribute to a name I picked when I was so lost I thought about not continuing anymore. Nothing pulled me out of that but myself – I didn’t know at the time the breadth and depth of queer art that could give any kind of name or word to the ways I was trying to kill myself and slowly, others around me. i know this kind of racket is one of a coward: it’s what you say to people when you can’t trust yourself.

but how do you get here if you can? none of us have a good road map, and ah, here she is: a writers voice I made in lowercase and no punctuation until someone who was trying to hire me told me that you just can’t fucking buy someone’s words who writes this. good riddance, and here we are.

at the time it was true, i didn’t know how deep the well could actually go. i didn’t know there was a feeling or a voice for any of this: i don’t even know if there will be for the people who decide to spend money on this bundle full of videogames and videogame ephemera. if you know me you’ll know I always have to say you can’t trust any of it, but maybe there’s a little sliver in there somewhere you can. if it helps you, cool: make your friends buy the fucking bundle. you never know what something will make you feel, and god dammit if that isn’t the ultimate trap of videogames.

we don’t do this often here, and there’s a good reason: but fuck it, everyone else is going to try and get you to spend money on some shit they made with companies that manufacture bullets or drones: you might as well know where the money is going this time.