I can feel my brain turn and fall into some kind of slump standing in the line to the Awards Show after a making a loop around all three convention buildings to find out where the hell I’m supposed to go. Already clear to me is the size and scope of this place, the people in attendance. Standing around me are a who’s who of indie developers and industry tallent. We funnel through a door into a giant presentation stage area, little cocktail tables here and there and big banquet rounds for sitting, drinking and eating at. I’m the first one at the table I’m supposed to be at, some kind of scruffy peasant thing in a dark pea coat with a skeleton mask so the woman meeting me knows who I am.

Taylor Mccue got us at DEEP-HELL our way into the show – she’s not at all what I expect. Her voice is diminished from all of the constant talking she’s been doing, and we try to carry out introductions over the loudspeaker blaring to life and filling the theater with the noise that we’ve got thirty minutes to mingle and drink all of the wine we can. At least I take it that: never say no to a free bar.

Taylor: “I’ve got something to tell you about what happened.” Our table is joined by a tall woman with pink hair, two men and a woman in a bright yellow and orange outfit who introduces herself immediately to everyone. “What happened?” The crowd springs into life around us and the tables of guests just going through introductions all stand abruptly empty. “On the show floor I went to the Microsoft booth. I wanted to ask them if they’d reconsider sponsoring my game.” “Did they turn you down? Bastards.” Taylor leans in to tell me more. “I sent He Fucked the Girl out of Me to them and never received anything back, so I wanted to ask them if they’d look into it now that I have a nomination.” But the crowd is getting too loud and aggressive, hungry sharks all trapped up in a pen. Our conversation breaks when we realize neither of us can hear each other.

ID@XBOX is one of the headliners for the first part of the award show, focusing on independent published games and indie developers, two different things*. Taylor’s relationship with them is conflicted – on one hand, they didn’t lie to her about the status of her application, and on the other they’re going to lead a talk tonight that explicitly states they’re the official Diversity seal of XBOX as a brand. Never a trust a company big enough they have to have a Diversity Office cut and quartered apart from their other, more immediately nefarious endeavors.

*INDIE DEVELOPERS and INDEPENDENT developers cause conversation on every slowly degenerating social media platform developers hang out on and we’ve all come to the conclusion no one can come up with a better term for describing a studio of 8 mall-goths working out of an abandoned Sizzler VS. two hundred nordic guys renting out an office and claiming to be a mattress sales shop to keep the landlord off of their back. Imagine every time the phrase INDIE or INDEPENDENT comes up, your own individualized tulpa of a game developer is slotted into the place of the word.

We’ve got people who worked on both DESTINY games, Will Wright, not very far away from me are the handlers I saw escorting John Romero into the building earlier. Liz Ryerson AKA EllaGuro, at one point I stumble into a creative director for Command & Conquer while trying to stock up on wine. Mostly, I don’t know who these people are besides them having the potential to be on stage tonight. Three Immaculately White french-men open up about my outfit as I walk by: alright, boys, let’s tango. Who are you? They’re the creators of STRAY for the Sony Playstation 4 and PC.

“How’s it feel being back here tonight?” I ask. There’s some eyeballing, mostly because my attendee badge is flipped over and will stay that way the entire expo. “With all of our peers here and the judges…we don’t really feel like we belong here.” One says, the other quipping, “Just looking around and seeing all of the faces from the industry.” I ask them if they’re comfortable. “We’re French. We’re not afraid of a big crowd or a party. And you?” Well, I slide right into their good graces. “I’m a dirty rotten Journalist actually?” Their expression is a mixture of comedy and horror “OH a journalist? Well – Our next game is.” Silence, we all laugh. They look put together for A Night at The Roxbury less an awards show. Good luck, boys – someone out there thinks you deserve it.

Cordoned and closed off from the rest of the world, I keep my seat and stare dead eyed forward at the crowd of GDC attendees. On my right is a massive teleprompter and a TV showing the stage that only sometimes work – the first awards start to get announced and I set myself down on doing what I do. “The topic for GDC this year is the future of play” our host announces, more words about making accessibility a priority for videogames and not just an afterthought. Somehow, the back of my mind starts a ticking clock resolving in a “We’ll see.” statement. I settle in to my little plastic chair with my little glass of wine, our little motley crew of developers to whether the storm.

It’s slow at first. Looking out into this sea of eyeballs and faces that are about to be hitting the stage with thunderous applause. Whooping, yelling. It’s nothing so far: but that’s why we’re all here. Sometimes I hear clapping and sometimes I don’t. “Best Art Direction” comes up and I look around. In the corner of my eyes there are these suits: straight backed, eyes locked forward on the podium like they can’t wait for the show to get over. They mull over or completely ignore the scrappier, weirder games. One of them who has to keep looking at me because I spend most of the show fixed on the teleprompter checks his phone the entire time “He Fucked the Girl out of Me” is discussed. It doesn’t win an Award, but we’re all excited to hear them actually Say The Name out loud.

Somewhere in the sandwich of all of this is that ID@XBOX speak about diversity, and you can hear stomachs turn in the room when it happens. Thunderous applause, like a lot of statements will be getting that tonight while part of the crowd is a little drunk from VIP wine and part of it’s drunk from San Diego. I think back to what Taylor told me earlier the entire time.

I see Quinn K’s an Outcry up for an award, and Tales from Off Peak City by Cosmo D. Quinn’s trip here, like Taylors I’ll eventually gather is kind of a surprise and a double edged sword. Contestants, because that’s what they honestly are, are given a paltry travel budget to make it to the awards show in one of the most expensive cities on the west coast. If not the crown jewel of what decades of conservative privatization and liberal means testing can do to a great city: hotels around the Moscone center for the weekend can be priced as much as 500$ a night on the cheaper side if you’re unlucky about booking. So what I’ll say is this: what do all of the diversity motives in the world do, what’s it say about the whole movement turns the game industry into another case of have’s and have nots?

Some of these developers will hopefully coast on connections made through the weekend. The smaller, scrappier titles: Time Bandit or even winners like Presenter Slides have to go home after this facing the reality there might not be a shot at the industry like this for them again, if for a long while. I clap for An Outcry and Presenter Slides.

That Cosmo D gets one of the Gold Ribbons for the Seumus Mcnally Grand Prize. I’ve never played one of their games, but now that I see Cosmo D looks like the guy I can imagine sitting next to at a bar and watching the Suns (currently in a slump, anyway) with, I relax a little bit. I’ll have to play that one down the line somewhere. Show’s half over now.

Next Up…

Quit It With The Sketch Comedy You Goddamned Animals…

One Shot One Take…

Calling In From The Cold….

3/23/23